April 5th, 2014:
I write this blog with a sense of awareness of how others may feel towards my plight. But, it is with 100% certainty that two options are available for the remainder of cancer treatment: first, the preferred treatment would be to have a proctectomy with colo-anal anastomosis, which would mean no shit bag for life (aka colostomy or ileostomy); the second option is abdominoperineal (APR), which is the opposite of the former surgical technique meaning a shit bag for life.
I am under no illusions on how my life should be lived. I want to be able to control my bodily functions without concern or thoughts of changing a bad or possible leakage. The reason I write this is because APR surgery is not an option for me. I can say with certainty that if APR surgery is the only method available to saving my life, then give me death. I do not mean it in the literal sense to give me death, but rather that I will eat only veggies and drink water, with red wine occasionally, as a means of fighting my rectal cancer. Is a shit bag really that horrible in order to keep my life? Most people may say, “A colostomy is not that much of a problem; you can lead a normal life.” Yet, to me, it is a normal life I will live. I would prefer to live with cancer using my diet as a means to fighting it. The end may result in death, but I do not care. Death is fine for someone that has always fantasized about a young death.
The problem with facing a life and death situation seems to be the realness that it has on others. My goal, as of the last month, has been to push away from everything and everyone. I have pushed away my wife. I have pushed away all of my friends, with the exception of two Korean friends. I am trying to push away my own family. I love each and every single person in my life, but it feels more like a time to do everything on my own; without support and concern for me, I know that this fight will be a lot easier to handle and deal with which is why everyone is kept at more than an arm’s length’s distance. Others will impact my decision on whether to have the APR surgery or not. I still cannot leave this world behind that is so awesome especially with people that absolutely care about me and want to see me reach my goals, which are still the most important things to me in the world. So, please, take this as more of a rant and thoughts that permeate my mind rather than an actual death wish, though I do love death.
May all of you be well. I will see each and every one of you that cares or wants to see me in December before coming back to Korea for studies. Keep moving forward without concern of what is behind you.